Ahhhhhhh spring break. I traveled to my hometown Bristol, Virginia with my two kids, ages 9 and 6, and my dog, age 10 months. We have been here since Sunday, today is Wednesday. My mom and dad have taken my kids to Wallibys, an indoor jump paradise (aka get the energy out). I finally have time to think. I have learned something very valuable on this trip. I can’t relax. I can’t turn it off. I can’t sit still. I get irritated easy when there is nothing to do or somewhere to go. I don’t like this person I have become.
I have this person inside of me that I want to be. She is calm and peaceful, smiling and bright. She is full of light. She is kind and easy going, go with the flow kind of free spirit. She cooks and she has lots of plants and herbs and reads books while her kids play together without fighting. She is healthy, strong, and confident. She takes care of herself, eats well, exercises and gets plenty of sleep. She is a patient and loving mother that listens instead of nagging and constantly correcting. She is never overwhelmed and her mind is not cluttered. She laughs easily, makes others laugh, and has fun no matter what the situation. She is a selfless person caring more about others than herself. She takes care of her husband, hugging him and encouraging him. She is the one her friends go to talk and confide in and who listens. She has a close and wonderful relationship with the Lord spending time with him every day.
I actually see this person in my dreams. She is always in my thoughts, always a reminder of what I am doing wrong. Is this who I am suppose to be. I try everyday and everyday I fail. I burn dinner, my kids fight and struggle in school. I don’t like to do homework and find myself with no patience as the kids and the dog chase each other around the house and my husband turns the music on too loud. I snap at my husband, I kill yet another plant. My house is a wreck, I always thought cleaning the house was a waste of time. I don’t go to the gym and I stop at McDonald’s and have that extra glass of wine. I will do better tomorrow, I will try to be that woman I see in my dreams.
Is she who God wants me to be or is she this unattainable perfect person that no one can truly be all the time. Am I doing ok for the most part, do I make my family, friends, and God happy. In my heart all I want is to be good. Am I good? Why is the thought of failing so terrifying to me? When did I start analyzing and critiquing every more I make.
I have been struggling with this lately beating myself up when I screw up over and over. How do I just be, how do I just sit and be still. How do I enjoy and accept the less than perfect person that I am.
I write this after reading Caroline’s blog post. Thank you Caroline for helping me remember what is means to be honest, what it means to write down your thoughts even if it means people may find out that I am someone who struggles with who she is. If I struggle with this, aren’t there others?