I have been blogging since April of this year. I haven’t missed a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday post in almost 6 months. Until this week. I didn’t post Monday partly because I have been sick (again) and partly because this post has been brewing in my mind but I just didn’t have the words for it. Until now. This might be totally random and not make much sense but I feel I need to share.
A couple of people have said to me lately, “you have it so together”. I don’t. I am not even close to having it together, I am far from it. I can put on a smile and fake it like the best of them but honestly lately i am one step from falling apart. Actually I am quite confused and trying to figure out my life. I am almost 40 and still learning something new everyday, especially about myself.
The truth is my youngest going off to Kindergarten has rocked my world. I have been in the role as stay at home mom since I quite my job nine years ago when Lilly was born. My little man going off to Kindergarten this year has been very hard on me. When anyone asked how I was going to feel about it or what was I going to do, I laughed. I couldn’t imagine what they were talking about. I had plenty I wanted to do, i was going to make, paint, and create till I couldn’t see straight. I was going to have so much stuff to sell at Sanctuary that Krissy was going to have to knock down the walls. I was going to paint and redo enough furniture that I would be at Metrolina every month. I was going to start the business that I had dreamed of about but never had enough time for. I couldn’t believe people asked if I was going to be ok with him going off to Kindergarten. Of course I would be fineeeeeeeeeeee, I was excited. But then it happened. He went off to school and everything that I had planned started falling apart.
I started to realize I was done the day I walked out of Sanctuary after fixing up my Button Bird Designs room. I had been working nonstop making things and painting so I would have enough inventory to fill up that space. I had to sell enough to make the rent plus cover my expenses and hopefully make alittle extra money. I had always wanted my own little store and this was suppose to be a step in that direction. But deep down something wasn’t right. The dread I felt about going home and continuing to mass produce stuff made me sick. I was going to have to go home and keep making stuff, keep producing things to put in that room so I could make the rent. All of a sudden it went from a love of creating to “a have to”.
I also realized that all this time I was devoting to mass producing art to go into Sanctuary, this new room, and Metrolina, I was becoming a little cranky. Maybe I inhaled one too many paint fumes. I was tired. I didn’t want to go out in my garage and sand 8 pieces of furniture and then paint them 8 different colors hoping that maybe someone, somewhere would eventually buy them. I was tired of making 10 owls when I really only wanted to make 2 for little Kate and little Muave. I had turned my love of creating into a chore. I was exhausted when the kids got off the school bus. I wasn’t making dinner. The house was a wreck. I was grumpy towards my husband. I was sad that my little man wasn’t around anymore.
My husband and I both agreed on it before we had kids. One of us would be at home with the kids no matter what. If we had to live in a one bedroom apartment one of us was going to be a stay at home parent. Since Lilly was born nine years ago I have fought embracing the role of stay at home mom. We have been extremely blessed that my husband has a job that we can live comfortable, and I can be at home. But somewhere in my mind being a stay at home mom wasn’t enough. I thought people would look down on me if all I did was be a mom. I remember when Lilly was born, a working “friend” asked what in the world I did all day. I haven’t been able to shake that comment in nine years. Soon after she made that comment I knew I had to do something in addition to being “just” a mom. I started an embroidery and monogramming business, I made and sold clocks, I had a fabric letter business, I made and sold close to 500 bags, I made and sold art and furniture. I was going as fast as I could and never stopped. I wanted to people to know that I was busy and that I was doing something with my life.
I love to create. Creating is my passion. But I have been creating for the wrong reasons. I was doing it to prove my worth to the world. I was doing it to prove that I was more then just a stay at home mom. How screwed up is that? But now that my little man is off to kindergarten all I want is to be is a stay at home mom. The years are going by too fast. I don’t want my kids to grow up. I want to enjoy every second of them because very soon they will be gone off to live their own lives.
My neighbor joked recently that you would have to nail my feet to the ground in order to get me to sit still. It was true. But I am tired. I am tired of trying to do it all. I can’t multitask and I like things simple. I don’t like to be busy at all. I want and need a slow quiet life. I want to spend time with God every morning, I want to do yoga again, I want to take my dog on long leisurely walks, I want to walk though the grocery store slow, I want to make cookies for my kids when then get home from school, I want to make candlelight dinner for my family, I want to make and create things as gifts, I want to paint my own furniture, I want to cross stitch with Miss Shirley, I want to go get coffee with a friend, I want to volunteer in my Children’s school, I want to have a clean house, I want to cut coupons, I want to read book after book, I want to spend evenings on the couch with my husband. I want to be a stay at home mom.
The other day when I was sick, I watched a movie. Big deal right? It was the first grown up movie that I have allowed myself to watched during the day alone since Lilly was born. I think being sick so much the past month has been God’s way of saying slowwwwwww down. I have been missing out on so much because I have been going the speed of light. I am ready to be present. I am ready for a slow intentional life.
I can’t do it all. I see other women balance a career and motherhood and my head spins. How do they do it? I am accepting myself for who I am and that means letting some things go. I can’t do it all. I wasn’t made that way. I can’t multitask. I don’t want to multitask. I am a much better person when I don’t have too much on my plate.
All this being said I am not going to continue doing my little room at Sanctuary anymore. I will still sale some of my stuff there, if i feel like creating something to sale. But I am not forcing myself to do it. I still want to do this blog because it is fun and motivates me to find and tackle new projects, but I may not do it three times a week. I want to do it when I have something to share, not just because it’s Monday, Wednesday or Friday. I want to create but not to prove my worth to the world.
Although it has taken me nine years, I have finally realized I have the best job in the world. I am still learning about myself and what works best for me. I am learning that I can’t and don’t want to do it all. I have limitations and that is ok. It really doesn’t matter what others think of me. God loves me and my family and friends love me. That is enough.
shewwwwwww, I feel much better. Thank you for listening!