I have been blogging since April of this year. I haven’t missed a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday post in almost 6 months. Until this week. I didn’t post Monday partly because I have been sick (again) and partly because this post has been brewing in my mind but I just didn’t have the words for it. Until now. This might be totally random and not make much sense but I feel I need to share.
A couple of people have said to me lately, “you have it so together”. I don’t. I am not even close to having it together, I am far from it. I can put on a smile and fake it like the best of them but honestly lately i am one step from falling apart. Actually I am quite confused and trying to figure out my life. I am almost 40 and still learning something new everyday, especially about myself.
The truth is my youngest going off to Kindergarten has rocked my world. I have been in the role as stay at home mom since I quite my job nine years ago when Lilly was born. My little man going off to Kindergarten this year has been very hard on me. When anyone asked how I was going to feel about it or what was I going to do, I laughed. I couldn’t imagine what they were talking about. I had plenty I wanted to do, i was going to make, paint, and create till I couldn’t see straight. I was going to have so much stuff to sell at Sanctuary that Krissy was going to have to knock down the walls. I was going to paint and redo enough furniture that I would be at Metrolina every month. I was going to start the business that I had dreamed of about but never had enough time for. I couldn’t believe people asked if I was going to be ok with him going off to Kindergarten. Of course I would be fineeeeeeeeeeee, I was excited. But then it happened. He went off to school and everything that I had planned started falling apart.
I started to realize I was done the day I walked out of Sanctuary after fixing up my Button Bird Designs room. I had been working nonstop making things and painting so I would have enough inventory to fill up that space. I had to sell enough to make the rent plus cover my expenses and hopefully make alittle extra money. I had always wanted my own little store and this was suppose to be a step in that direction. But deep down something wasn’t right. The dread I felt about going home and continuing to mass produce stuff made me sick. I was going to have to go home and keep making stuff, keep producing things to put in that room so I could make the rent. All of a sudden it went from a love of creating to “a have to”.
I also realized that all this time I was devoting to mass producing art to go into Sanctuary, this new room, and Metrolina, I was becoming a little cranky. Maybe I inhaled one too many paint fumes. I was tired. I didn’t want to go out in my garage and sand 8 pieces of furniture and then paint them 8 different colors hoping that maybe someone, somewhere would eventually buy them. I was tired of making 10 owls when I really only wanted to make 2 for little Kate and little Muave. I had turned my love of creating into a chore. I was exhausted when the kids got off the school bus. I wasn’t making dinner. The house was a wreck. I was grumpy towards my husband. I was sad that my little man wasn’t around anymore.
My husband and I both agreed on it before we had kids. One of us would be at home with the kids no matter what. If we had to live in a one bedroom apartment one of us was going to be a stay at home parent. Since Lilly was born nine years ago I have fought embracing the role of stay at home mom. We have been extremely blessed that my husband has a job that we can live comfortable, and I can be at home. But somewhere in my mind being a stay at home mom wasn’t enough. I thought people would look down on me if all I did was be a mom. I remember when Lilly was born, a working “friend” asked what in the world I did all day. I haven’t been able to shake that comment in nine years. Soon after she made that comment I knew I had to do something in addition to being “just” a mom. I started an embroidery and monogramming business, I made and sold clocks, I had a fabric letter business, I made and sold close to 500 bags, I made and sold art and furniture. I was going as fast as I could and never stopped. I wanted to people to know that I was busy and that I was doing something with my life.
I love to create. Creating is my passion. But I have been creating for the wrong reasons. I was doing it to prove my worth to the world. I was doing it to prove that I was more then just a stay at home mom. How screwed up is that? But now that my little man is off to kindergarten all I want is to be is a stay at home mom. The years are going by too fast. I don’t want my kids to grow up. I want to enjoy every second of them because very soon they will be gone off to live their own lives.
My neighbor joked recently that you would have to nail my feet to the ground in order to get me to sit still. It was true. But I am tired. I am tired of trying to do it all. I can’t multitask and I like things simple. I don’t like to be busy at all. I want and need a slow quiet life. I want to spend time with God every morning, I want to do yoga again, I want to take my dog on long leisurely walks, I want to walk though the grocery store slow, I want to make cookies for my kids when then get home from school, I want to make candlelight dinner for my family, I want to make and create things as gifts, I want to paint my own furniture, I want to cross stitch with Miss Shirley, I want to go get coffee with a friend, I want to volunteer in my Children’s school, I want to have a clean house, I want to cut coupons, I want to read book after book, I want to spend evenings on the couch with my husband. I want to be a stay at home mom.
The other day when I was sick, I watched a movie. Big deal right? It was the first grown up movie that I have allowed myself to watched during the day alone since Lilly was born. I think being sick so much the past month has been God’s way of saying slowwwwwww down. I have been missing out on so much because I have been going the speed of light. I am ready to be present. I am ready for a slow intentional life.
I can’t do it all. I see other women balance a career and motherhood and my head spins. How do they do it? I am accepting myself for who I am and that means letting some things go. I can’t do it all. I wasn’t made that way. I can’t multitask. I don’t want to multitask. I am a much better person when I don’t have too much on my plate.
All this being said I am not going to continue doing my little room at Sanctuary anymore. I will still sale some of my stuff there, if i feel like creating something to sale. But I am not forcing myself to do it. I still want to do this blog because it is fun and motivates me to find and tackle new projects, but I may not do it three times a week. I want to do it when I have something to share, not just because it’s Monday, Wednesday or Friday. I want to create but not to prove my worth to the world.
Although it has taken me nine years, I have finally realized I have the best job in the world. I am still learning about myself and what works best for me. I am learning that I can’t and don’t want to do it all. I have limitations and that is ok. It really doesn’t matter what others think of me. God loves me and my family and friends love me. That is enough.
shewwwwwww, I feel much better. Thank you for listening!
My name is Angela Statzer and I love to incorporate just about anything into my artwork. Ranging from recycled materials, vintage items, wood, jewelry, other people’s junk, buttons and fabric, my style is fun and diverse. You can find me smiling at any yard sale, thrift store or flea market. I am a momma to two amazing kids and wife to one hot husband. 
You are one awesome lady!!!
As your children grow older and their world becomes more complexed, it it important that their mother be more grounded, more Christ centered that they, too, can become more grounded and Christ centered. I hope you can allow yourself the mornings with God, the long walks, the books, time spent in the classroom with your children, cookie baking, and all the rest. I prayerfully wish you well!
You are beautiful inside and out.
figuring out what your dreams actually are is really hard work. following them is even harder. whatever your dream, some will praise you for it. some will criticize you for it. but i have also found to be true that “it really doesn't matter what others think of me. God loves me and my family and friends love me. that is enough.” tim calls that “living for an audience of One.” so go live, sister! thank you for writing down your thoughts and completely inspiring others to go live their own dreams, no matter what those dreams actually are.
Fantastic post – I really really enjoyed it! I have been feeling the same way lately. Your words have meant a lot to me today. Thank you thank you thank you for posting this today!
Courageous, amazing you are! You do have the most important job in the world (mother)! I loved this post, thanks for sharing!
Angela, I'm so happy for you that you've come to this realization that mothering is what suits you and is the best job in the world! You are being true to yourself and it sounds like it is also the way God intended for you to be.
I can so relate to love being a stay-at-home mom. I absolutely loved it (although there were days when I was ready to pull my hair out!!) and miss it terribly. See, I'm on the other side….my nest is now empty.
So my words of encouragement to you are, enjoy and savor your blessed “career”. Your sphere of influence is huge. Love on those kids and your man and all those people that God brings your way.
Should you ever get discouraged, I'm just an email away. God bless you and yours! Barbara
Angela, what a wonderful testimony to the grace of God. I know what it is like to think you want one thing and then when you get it, you just want the opportunity to be with your children a while longer. Enjoy the years you have with them. They pass so quickly! And I know that the Lord will lead you to more creative adventures as well…just maybe not on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
thank you for your post! took the words right out of my mouth.
Looking forward to “retiring” this winter from my business and becoming the Mom I want to be to my kids and the Wife I want to be to my husband. My kids will remember the fun times we spend together, not the money I make to buy them things. And my husband and I will get to spend time together that matters, not relaying schedules and passing in and out of each others days off.
Tired of proving my worth to the world as well. Being a parent is the most important job in the world and I think we have forgotten that as a society. We are pushing our kids into overscheduled lives and forgetting tha we are RAISING, TEACHING, and NURTURING human beings!
Good luck with slowing down and learning to be present. I know it will be an adjustment for me
Amen! I feel just the same way! My girls are 9 and 11 and growing up way too fast. Since I'm a divorced mom I do have to work part-time, but I don't have a fire under me to be a career woman. I just want to pay the bills and enjoy being a mom and that is what I do. When they are grown I can work a full time job, until then, they are my full time job!
Yes, yes, yes!!! Your honesty and transparency are so refreshing. I am walking down such a similar road—starting to embrace my role as Mom and keeper of the home, after 10 years and 4 kids. How can I make my home beautiful and a place my family loves to come home to? Simplify, embrace, and create places of grace for them to snuggle into. Thanks for confirming what the Lord is doing in my own life!!
I'm encouraged with how you were so honest with yourself and others…inspiring again
I find it so easy to allow myself to get such a busy schedule with really good things in life that I forget who I am to BE for those God placed in my life and to BE content with my limitations. Learning to say no to some really good opportunities in our lives in order to make room for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,faithfulness and self-control to flourish in us can be a tough call. You go, girl!
I can so relate to what you wrote here, Angela. Kudos to you for opening up like this. It does us all good when we are real with one another and admit that we are figuring things out as we go. In fact, I think that's even more admirable than putting up a “perfect” facade
What a brave and wonderufl post – motherhood is the most wonderful thing in the world and kids grow up quickly. Our youngest went off to college last year and it was not easy to see him go. Enjoy this time in your life – wife, mother, artist – you will find the right balance that works for you and your family. Thanks for you courageous honesty.
Amaniyah!
Congratulations on trying something and being bold and brave enough to admit when it isn't really what you want or need in your life.
Most would have tried to stick it out just a bit longer, in fear of being told they are a failure or quitting too soon.
You only fail when you keep doing something you know you should not be doing or when you stop doing something you know you should be doing.
Regardless His grace & love will correct us and put us back on the right path, if we allow it!
Always listen to your gut, that gut instinct is what the world calls it, but it is really the Ruach (Holy Spirit) speaking to you or rather through you.
I can imagine how this post has been weighing on you for some time.
I can also relate to your creative juices being stifled. The same thing happened when I went from a freelance graphic designer choosing what projects I took on to doing it full-time. I quickly found out I was killing my creativity and purpose!
Yes, I do not make as much as I could… But, I am enjoying taking things slower, getting closer to Him and His will for my life and just getting to soak up being an at home mom. And just as He promised, our needs are met. We have clothes, food and a roof over our head and some how our bills get paid too.
For awhile I was an at home mom with 3 jobs from home and though I was here at home, I felt like I was miles away (and yes I got cranky too) because I was too busy too much and even though I made more than I do now… We were no better or worse off financially!
Now I am about to embark on homeschooling, crafting more, getting closer to Him and becoming a single mom. I have no idea how I am going to do it all, but I know if I trust in Him, He will show me the how and when as He will do for you too.
Do not worry about what others think Angela, there is only one who you need to be concerned about and He is your greatest fan & loves you unconditionally!
I agree the greatest job in the world is getting to be an intentional, enjoying every moment stay-at-home mom.
If you put Him first, your family second, your business third (which should be your passion and defined by His ways & your boundaries not the world's) and you last, He will bless you.
Leaving yourself last, does not mean not taking care of yourself (you cannot fully do His will or take care of your family, if you slack in this area), it just means leaving all the 'I wants' last after you have taken care of all important & wonderful stuff.
Some scripture I thought of while writing this, hope you enjoy!
Mattithyahu (Matthew) 6:25-32
“Because of this I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you shall eat or drink, or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than the food and the body more than the clothing? 26 “Look at the birds of the heaven, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into storehouses, yet your heavenly Father does feed them. Are you not worth more than they? 27 “And which of you by worrying is able to add one cubit to his life’s span? 28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Note well the lilies of the field, how they grow. They neither toil nor spin, 29 and I say to you that even Shelomoh in all his esteem was not dressed like one of these. 30 “But if YHWH so clothes the grass of the field, which exists today, and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more you, O you of little belief? 31 “Do not worry then, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 “For all these the gentiles seek for. And your heavenly Father knows that you need all these.
Shalom & blessing to you & yours!
P.S. You will never stop learning Angela, if there is one day that goes by and you have not learned and grown in some way, shape or form, than you have stopped truly living life & you should be concerned. There is so much more to this life and He will share it all with you. Keep learning & growing sister!
Love it. I can feel the relief from your words. I'm happy for this new part of your life journey to begin. I know you'll enjoy it.
Bravo Angela!!!
So proud of you…for being so brave…to have tried something and then admitting it just isn't a good fit for you and your family!! God will honor that decision, and I so respect you for it!
As homeschool mom, I relish every moment I have at home with my kids, though somedays I too have to fight that lie that says what I do is not significant enough. Although I know it is.
I have marveled at all you do….and at times have wished to have your creativity and the time and energy to do as much creating as you do. But I have also thought that I couldn't do it (be you!) because I love and need quiet-time, and just being at home….making it a haven where my family and friends can come and rest….and where creativity can take root……because there is time. I know that is what you want too….and I am so happy you have found worth and peace in that!
Glad to hear you'll be popping to my inbox from time to time with a little post.
Until then, enjoy your little ones while you can, and breathe the fresh air of freedom!!
Much Grace,
Jamie
Thank you so much for sharing your honesty. I am at the opposite end of motherhood and grandmotherhood and painfully discovered my lesson after losing my job…too old for anyone to hire now. I love to create and it is my passion…but now I do it for me and not for my worth to anyone else! Thank you sincerely. Enjoy every moment of your little ones as they do grow up and away all too quickly.
Amen! I totally understand what you are saying and I agree with you 100%. Last year I felt what you are feeling now. Our last daughter (we have 5 children) is a sr. in high school and will be heading off to college next Sept. where in the world did the time go? You will never regret the time you have spent with your children. The owls, furniture, bags, etc. will be there for you when they are grown. Enjoy your little ones. wish that I could go back and do it all over again. wish I could have a “do-over”. Miss my little ones. Thank you for sharing and being so honest!
.
Hang in there. I will look forward to your posts…when you post!
I can relate to every word of this. Next year both kids will be in school and I'm definitely thinking about all things work. Thanks for helping me process.
Following your heart is always the right path. Good luck to you and may God bless you.
wow
I don't even know what to say about these comments. I feel so blessed by each and everyone of you. I have read these comments over and over and it just gives me so much strength and hope. How do I print these suckers out!?!? thank you thank you thank you.
lots of love
Angela
Sue
I keep thinking about what you said to me this morning about the Grunge music. That is exactly it!
love you
Angela
Thanks Barbara!
i am keeping your email handy! I am going to need it!
xoxox
Angela
Katie
Is there a slow down and be present siminar that we can take!?!?! One step at a time. God is holding the flashlight!
love
Angela
Rock on, Ang! I am so happy for you and this awakening you are experiencing. It's a brave choice to actually voice that all you really want to be is a mom. I made that decision early on and was greeted with less than enthusiastic responses. In today's world, society, economy, etc…the decision to WANT to stay home isn't often a popular one or accepted readily. I am honored to call you 'friend' and so proud of you! Enjoy those kiddos…give them the only thing they really need: you.
xoxo -s
Carey
Yessssssssss saying to no to good opportunities!!!! There's a concept. I thought you had to do every good that that came your way because it was a blessing from God. If you fill yourself to full there is no room for the good stuff!
Thank you!
Angela
April!
Yessss be real. I will take someone who is all screwed over perfect anyday! I love it when people are real with me.
xoxo
Angela
Ok Jamie can you come live with me??? You are so wise and so encouraging. Thank you for all that you shared. The verse with the birds has shown up several time and in several different places the past few days… I think God is trying to tell me something. Time to listen!
Again thank you so much Jamie, it means the world to me.
Angela
You are right Mandy. all that can wait but my kids can not. I feel so at peace now. I am going to do what I feel I need and want to do. Why is that so hard to figure out and then so hard to do it!?!?
thanks girl
Angela
Congratulations on your self awareness and bravery to state it to the blog world and to realize all you wrote about. I remember those “just a mom” times. And the “not a good mom” comments because inclusion was THE school choice for autistic kids and I put mine in a specialized school. You're a lot more together than you think. You're listening to God and to your voice. I'm 56 and still working on that
. Glad you're keeping your blog, I really enjoy it, especially this very honest best-friend post.
Janet new blog: craftythriftydecoratingwifemom.wordpress.com
Thank you so much Angela, you are such a sweetheart!
Now is that a formal invitation? lol
There are no coincidences in His work. There is a reason that verse keeps popping up for you & why He had me share it too.
I encourage you dear sister to read that whole chapter and pray over it. I know there is a reason He is sharing that with you right now.
Open those ears and He will share the why!
You are so lovely just the way you are, even with your perceived imperfections. Congratulations on being brave enough to admit when something is not for you. Stay strong by relying on Him & Him alone!
Jaya and I are staying at my mom's for a few months (Franklin, NC) as of this weekend, while I await for Him to tell me where we should call home. If you want us to come visit for a day and have lunch, just let me know and we can make plans!
As for printing all these blessed comments you have… You can right click and select print to print the whole page, or highlight the comments with your mouse and right click to print and choose 'selection' to print just what you selected.
Psalm 91 and 139 came to me while writing to you today. Please take the time to read them too, I know they will bless you dear sister!
Shalom & blessings to you & yours!
Hey Laurie
Maybe we can get a walk in together!!!
Love
Angela
Jshmid
Girl you already know how I feel about homeschooling moms……AMAZINGGGGGG. How you do I will never know! You should be paid an NFL salary!!! It was so good to see you at the yard sale! Hope to see you soon!!!'
Lots of love
Angela
Thank you for this post! The honesty, vulnerability, and realness spoke so much to me! Glory to God for how He has been revealing Himself and yourself to you! I, too, wonder how other moms do it… and I realize we all have different gifts and abilities. And many are not balancing it all as well as I think. Your realness has helped me, and I'm sure others, see that the goal isn't to be perfect, have it all together, be able to do a bunch of things all at once really well. And if that is the goal things start to unravel fast. I think it's great to just be a stay at home mom!!! Kudos to you for sharing from your heart and setting boundaries!
Reading this post was like hearing myself think. (make sense?) I've been at home for 7 years now and I still vacillate between remembering to be fully present in my role at home and taking on writing projects that I can't possibly complete without losing my peace because the world around me and my fears tell me I should be doing more. Thank you for sharing this! Just know that I will be remembering you from now on when I pray for God to order my day and protect my role in the home! Wishing you PEACE, REST and JOY!
Blessings to you, and I hope you continue to post only when it feels right to you. We'll all continue to check in and share in your joy of the “slow, intentional life”.
Hugs,
Gillian
Oh Angela – You speak directly to my heart. As a new stay at home mom (I have a 7 year old, but we were never able to make it work with one income – don't even get me started on that guilt) – I feel so often that I am not doing enough. Especially with my creative abilities, I think I should be trying to make a business, I should be making the bed every day, I should make the kids clothes from scratch…everyone must think I am the *worst* mother ever. lol.
You are amazing, and I have loved keeping up with your blog. Once a week, once a month – whatever it may be – I will look forward to your posts. I also love the fact that you listen to the voice of God speaking in your life – Keep listening – His plan is far better then anything we can come up with.
Much love,
Jen
I can so relate to everything you have said in this post. I am at the next stage where my youngest is off to high school next year. For the last seven years since both my girls have been at school I have been busy making craft, teaching craft, teaching piano, running church events, sometimes selling craft, teaching recorder and blogging and doing all sorts of things to prove my worth, to show people how creative I am. Not lots of hours, but lots of “little bits” of time scattered through the weeks and years. Meanwhile I have run myself ragged and my family has often had to suffer. Finally my health has made me slow down and limit my activities, I am so much calmer and things run better at home. I have made time to change my diet and my health is better. Now I am reassessing my priorities and this post of yours I stumbled on is a gift to me. All the best as you sort things out!
Jamie P
Yes I would love to have lunch! That would be fun. I bet I could learn alot from you! Franklin is not to far from Huntersville, is it? I am always up for a day trip. I would just love to meet the woman behind all this inspirational comments!
love
Angela
Your story sounds very similar to mine. All I can say is “Welcome to 40!” Are you there yet?
I gave up a career in Nursing to stay home and homeschool my kids. Everyone (except my husband and myself) couldn't really understand why. All through my 30s I had my own business, homeschooled, and was very active in my church. Long story short, I'm home with my last kiddo (13 year old) and still homeschooling. The time flies by and it's a really good decision to focus on your family. You'll never regret it in the long run!
I was overwhelmed by this post. It touched my heart and put into words what I have been feeling recently, too. Thank you for sharing.
I ran across your page on pinterest. I saw the little owl pillow and wanted to save it in my crafts folder.
See, I recently bought a sewing machine for a similar reason. I feel like I should be doing more than just being a mom. A lot of my other mom friends are crafty and make cool things so it makes me feel very lame.
I enjoy sewing though, when I have the time. It makes me feel good to create something.
This was an awesome post. Now I'm off to find that owl pillow tutorial! LOL.
Isn’t it funny how we compare ourselves to others and feel pressure to compete?
It helps to remind myself: “There’s always someone doing more, doing it better. There’s always someone who looks better, dresses better, has better hair. Who’s smarter, more creative, more driven.”
I have also gotten the comments “How can you STAND to be at home,” etc. I’ll admit, sometimes I want to tell them to “shove it”… but I’ve learned to smile and shrug.
I also totally understand about the multitasking. I start to become a cranky crazy person if there’s too much going on.
Hi Lexy!
Thanks for you comment. Doesn’t it feel great when you realize you are not all alone in the way you feel! Everyone is different and able to handle different things. I have stopped comparing myself to others and I have so much more peace!
lots of love
Angela